Monday, August 29, 2011

Catch 22

I still haven't read that book, but I should.

This will be a slightly random post, though mostly dedicated to the current predicament I find myself in.

First though, I have a job. I have for 2 months now. It is the first time I've worked since Morgan was born, and it is a job that I first had when I was 17. I am a research technician for Seminis Vegetable Seed. Or, Monsanto, these days. I have spent most of my time in a cornfield, though recently we have been doing a lot of office work. And when I say office work, I mean, work at "the office." It isn't pushing papers. It's still manual labor. I am as tan as I get, and have finally lost some weight from all the walking and heavy lifting.
My mom watched my kids for most of the time, but then school started, so she started driving the school bus again. Then I had my sisters-in-law Christine, or Arielle, babysit. Morgan always complains and fights me when it is time to go home. (Is it wrong to wish that he'd see me after a long day of work and run to me and hug me in excitement, and be so happy to be with his mommy?)
While working, I listen to audio books. It's been great! Libravox is free, since the books they do are in the public domain. But I love the classics, and would probably choose to listen to them regardless. I've listened to The Woman in White, and The Count of Monte Cristo. That is one gigantic book. It took me a solid month to listen to it for hours a day. Anyway, I am currently listening to Anne of Green Gables, and it is positively delightful.

Lydia can kind of walk. She is taking her time with perfecting it, but she is slowly improving.
Lydia is so clever, though, that when she is hungry, she finds the nursing cover and brings it to me. Pretty good communicating, little girl.

Now. I've been living with my parents for almost a year. 10 months. I never intended to stay here for so long. I find that when I live with my parents I am lazy and irresponsible, and I don't spend much time being productive, and I am not as good a parent, and I am disorganized and messy, and I don't feel like an independent adult. So, through no fault of theirs, I don't like living with my parents.
I've been trying to move out, with varying degrees of seriousness, for many months. I came very close to renting a couple different places, but it never seemed quite right. Oh, and I looked into purchasing a house, since I could get a nice 3 bedroom place in a decent neighborhood, garage, fence, yard, etc. with a mortgage payment of under $500 a month. But since I haven't worked in the last 5 years, I won't be considered for a loan. That, and I am still on the title of the house in Caldwell.
Anyway, so, renting is necessary. I really want to stay in Nampa, because I love it. But I've recently realized that I love Nampa so much because I grew up in the outskirts of south Nampa. There are no cheap apartments or houses to rent in this part of town. The only places I am finding that are anywhere near my price range are pretty much made to be NNU housing, or old and yucky neighborhoods where I don't feel comfortable leaving my car for 5 minutes while I look at the rental, for fear that it will be broken into or stolen.
Still, with enough searching, I think I could find an adequate townhouse or something. A small 2 bedroom 4 plex with a carport, no amenities, for as cheap as $550/month. I've done the math time and time again. It would be tight, but I think I could afford it and all my other bills. Until I calculate the babysitter in.
So it comes to this. I can live at home and pay the cheap rent here and no other household bills, and have a job and afford a babysitter.
Or, I can move out, be independent and in charge of me, scrimp on paycheck to paycheck mode, and just maybe survive. Until December, that is, when my temporary job ends.
But if I live at home, I don't even need a job. My kids and I could get by on child support alone.

I also may want to go to school. No, I DO want to, but I don't know how to make it happen. Plus, I want to go to school and get a BA in Literature, or something Englishy, because all I really want to be is a writer. But is that going to pay the bills? So, if I went to school, it would most likely be to trade school to learn to be a dental hygienist because I could make a decent living with that. But I would feel like I'm cheating myself. I wouldn't be doing what I want to be doing. But that's dumb of me, when was the last time I got what I wanted?
Too cynical? Fine, I'll water it down.

In reality, I should be counting my blessings. I have two great kids, who are smart, and happy, and full of sunshine. I have family who supports me, and lets me live with them, despite my noisy kids and their messes. I have a job, which I obtained very easily, even though the market here is terrible, and I enjoy the work. I have health. I have an excellent farmers tan. I have books. I love my phone. I have many willing to watch my kids. I have the knowledge of the gospel of Jesus Christ, and the blessings of the Atonement, without which I would be an angry, bitter, woman, among other things.

This turned out really long. But I needed a therapy write.
Kudos if you actually read it all. Or, maybe I should apologize if you actually read it all. :)


A*Waite said...

Frustrating! You could move to Boise. My friend may need to move to Utah for a job and get out of her lease she just barely signed this month. She pays $450/mo Washer/dryer included. I think that includes everything except power. Only a one bedroom, but your own place.

Let me know if you want more info.

Lora Dawn said...

Good for you, putting words on the tumult of thoughts and feelings inside. Seeing the road ahead is so hard when you can't see light in the tunnel. I believe there is light for you, around some unexpected bends. And I love your deep roots in what is forever true.

The Wilson Family said...

You're an amazing mom! You go girl! love the birthday pics too!

Teresa Mataitusi said...

It's good to get it all out and in front of you so you can see it. Interesting dilemma. Taking three upper division English Lit classes concurrently (with Child Dev) this semester towards my degree in Eng Lit, I would encourage you and discourage you. It is HARD and takes a TON of time. All the reading is NOT always pleasant and can be very hard to get through, not to mention the writing that happens after the reading. BUT there is a season for everything. Right now your marker must be, "what is best for my kids" after weighing everything. That's where you'll find your answer. Be patient. You're doing great.